So today is my last day of summer. Tomorrow I go to school as a Senior. I'm turning 18 in two months. In a year I will be going to college (in PA!). I should be one happy girl. But I'm not. Instead I woke up in a funk. I didn't feel good about myself at all. When I woke up I looked down at my body. How could this body be mine, I thought. It was just too much. I don't like the way my body looks, nor have I for as long as I can remember. I was always "too tall" or "too fat" or something else ridiculous. Homecoming is in two months and I told myself a month ago that I was going to get in shape and wear an awesome dress. This is my senior year! I want a killer body. Yes, think Jessica Alba, Jennifer Lopez, or Kim Kardashian. They all have amazing bodies and I want that. I mostly want to be able to look at my body and be proud of it. I wanna say, "yeah I worked for this body. It rocks". Being insecure about myself has taken over my life at points. Not just because of my body but because of school too. I sit there and think "no college is going to accept me" or "how am I going to be able to survive the classes". My insecurity haunts me sometimes. Telling me I'm not "good enough". My mom always knows when my insecurity hits me. Always. She is amazing at telling me that I can do this or I can do that but it still doesn't make that mean voice in my head go away. When I told myself a month ago that I was going to work on my body, I started to weigh myself every Sunday to see my progress. Three weeks ago, I lost three pounds. But in the last two weeks, I gained back two of those three pounds. I was depressed when I saw that number today on the scale. Telling my mom was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to lie and say I lost a pound but where would that get me? No where. So I told her and she smiled and said "at least your not at your highest point again". True. Very true. Nevertheless, I was still saddened by the number. My mother then asked me if I was nervous about school starting tomorrow. I sat there and thought about it for a minute. Was I nervous about school or was I nervous about something else. I wasn't nervous about school. I was and still am nervous about how I am going to be able to juggle everything. School, work, college applications, scholarships, college research. It can be a little over whelming. I am also nervous about life after high school. Leaving my mom is a big step (yeah say what you want but I am a total momma's girl). I am intimidated by the word "college". The classes, the place, being on my own is all intimidating. I'm afraid that I will fail all my classes and not be able to keep up. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it all this year. That I won't be able to accomplish everything that I dreamed of accomplishing before high school ends. So I sit here and write about my fears, but in actually it is making me feel better. It may not help me feel better for the rest of the year, but today it will help me. I can get up and say that I worked out today (walked four miles...hopefully do a few more before bed). I have yet to do something about college but I will get there. I'm still looking a different schools. I would like to go to a smaller school. Since I go to a Charter School which consists of less than 200 kids, a big school would be overwhelming. But hey! It will be okay. I'm going to finish this, practice my music, make a Wal-Mart run and get ready for the big day tomorrow. It's going to be a good day, and a good week. I just hope everyone feels the same way. If your feeling overwhelmed or sick of your body, do a little bit. Not a lot but I little bit of work. Workout for 20 minutes, research some colleges, relax and do your nails. It will all help you, like it did me. Thank you for making it this far. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful week guys!
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